theoriginalcynicist

The office of President-elect Barack Obama (how cool is it to say that?) has put out a seven-page questionnaire to those people who are seeking cabinet and other high-ranking posts in the new administration. According to a number of reports, this could very well be the most extensive/invasive/intrusive job application ever seen.

Now, of course, I’m quite sure my “expertise” would be well appreciated by the Obama administration–I’m very good at sweeping floors and replacing light bulbs. So, for s**ts and giggles, I will answer the 63(!) questions to the best of my recollection and abilities. (Don’t worry folks, my answers will be short and sweet.)

1. Sure, no problem.
2. I applied for a license to kill–I wanted to be 008, but was denied.
3. It has been suggested for me to be institutionalized, but I have not been accepted anywhere as of yet.
4. I’ve earned $23.62 from being a Today blogger as of today.
5. Nope.
6. I have been asked to represent various princes and royalty from a number of African countries through my e-mail, but I haven’t seen dime one yet.
7. Does New Jersey count?
8. There’s no way I can be brief about them.
9. Sure, but here’s one that should provide all the information you will need — Jackie Martling, (516) 922-WINE, http://www.jokeland.com
10. My book catalog consists of two books, but one isn’t completely colored yet. Huh-huh, you said “handle.”
11. I was an honor student–yes your honor, no your honor, etc.
12. What if you gave a speech but no one came to hear it?
13. Does “Reply to All” count?
14. Men don’t keep diaries. They keep “journals”.
15. What self-respecting organization would have me as an officer/director/trustee/partner/holder?
16. See above.
17. Naah, I’m a lover, not a fighter.
18. They all have my money–does that make me a member?
19. I have trouble even spelling “fidcuiary”.
20. I have the potential for embarrassment every time I open my mouth.
21. Do post-it notes count?
22. See above.
23. You’re kidding me, right?
24. If anyone gave me $10,000 or more I wouldn’t even be filling this out.
25. See #23.
26. I know lots about real estate.
27. Please go jump in the lake.
28. If you think I hold property you must be dreaming.
29. OK, I have a standing offer to be a “cast member” at DisneyWorld if anything might happen.
30. Didn’t you learn about run-on sentences in English class?
31. Does paying for lap dances with a credit card count?
32. I won $250 once in fantasy baseball.
33. I keep my tax records in the same manner as Oscar Madison did.
34. I don’t know, dear, did we?
35. You said “extension”.
36. I pay the penalty every single day of my life.
37. Not under my real name.
38. Does not feeling like it count?
39. What, do you know something I don’t?
40. I guess you know about the uranimum mine in Asbury Park.
41. I’m exhausted.
42. I’d like to sue the New York Mets for giving me agita.
43. Absolutely not.
44. The whole system is bankrupt.
45. Pardon me?
46. I’d like to perform a citizen’s arrest on the people who wrote this application.
47. It’s all a lie!
48. I wouldn’t call them “complaints”–more like “disagreements”.
49. I always wanted to be a doctor…
50. My passes always get intercepted.
51. Lien on me, when you’re not strong, and I’ll be your friend…
52. I want my parents to support me now.
53. What if I’m the domestic help?
54. Again, does New Jersey count?
55. What if I said no?
56. See above.
57. Sometimes my marriage is one of convenience.
58. http://www.jokeland.com
59. I think I’m going to check my wife’s nightstand just to be safe…
60. I feel great. I have just one drink a day–I’m up to April 17, 2024.
61. They’re all against me, I tell ya.
62. See above.
63. There isn’t enough room on this application to fit that list.

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